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10/01/2010

Comments

Hiatus

I don't think not being allowed to go to shows is the right approach. You should be there to see him play and support him. It would also show homewrecker that you are there to stay and you support your man. I wish there was a way that you could start to get over the anxiety/fear/[sub in any feelings here] of seeing her in baby steps. Perhaps having a drink or two or maybe eating some special brownies will help mellow you out before you see her.
I don't think cutting out that part of his life is a good idea. Try talking some more about it; maybe use different words or a different approach.
Good luck!

shythom

i totally can see why you don't want to be in the same room with her - but on the other hand, you want to be at his cd release. it's a big part of his life. you are a big part of his life. it's this type of thing we want to always celebrate together with our loved ones. you might not have done any work on this cd... directly. by indirectly, your support and encouragement is part of this release.

i would love it if you could go.

not for her to see that she's the loser here (because she is) or for him to get over having you two in the same room... but for you. for yourself. you totally deserve to be there.

i know it's scary because you're afraid you might crumble. but... maybe this is one of those life's test? maybe this is an opportunity for you to overcome this hurdle. would it help to see her as being symbolic of what you fear? or the personal demons of your relationship?

she is nothing. NOTHING. she is worse then nothing. and while i've never met either of you, i feel 115% confident that you are so much more then she can even dream to be. i don't think this has to be an all or none situation. i think you have the power and strength to turn this around to your favour.

you have some time, though, right? maybe you will come to a decision. if you honestly feel you are not ready to face this wall, then hold off for the next release party. but... if you have any doubts that you will regret not going, i say carpe diem and go!

a friend of mine went to his ex-gf's wedding. he was still not over her - and the guy she was marrying was the guy she left my friend for (and even cheated on). i went with him as his date to give him support. he was definitely looking pretty glum and at the moment, he probably felt like it was the worse night of his life.

but he knew he had to go. it was like a way to get closure for him. personally, i thought it was insanity. i would not have gone that far if it was me in his shoes. but i respected and understood his reasons.

he's never regretted it. soon after that night, his true healing process began.

so... above all the bullshit surrounding the circumstances, i would so be cheering you on if you went. seriously - tell me the night and i will stay home and totally meditate good, positive energy for you. :)

plus - once she hears you will be there, do you think she will still show up?

valerie

thanks girls - it's truly appreciated.

hiatus - i do agree that maybe a different approach is needed...and while i'm totally uncomfortable about being in the same room as her, i know matt's even more uncomfortable with the situation and i can't force him to be ok with it. also, i've had half a mind to just show up to a show, but i don't want to be "that" girl. i want to respect his feelings, but i also think he's not going to get over his discomfort unless i sorta force him to.

shy - i hadn't thought that seeing her may be the key to getting over that last little hurdle. you might be right there...i guess i'm just not sure if i'm ready for that. he has a show tomorrow night - like i mentioned to hiatus, i feel like i just need to show up (with a friend, for sure) and just be there to show him that it's fine...but then my stomach turns and drops at the thought of seeing her and i lose my nerve. i immediately lose confidence.
the cd release isn't until like late november or early december...i think i'll keep it in the back of my head that i need to be ready by that time and it'll give me a goal and a date which i always work better with. whether i'm "allowed" or not, i'm going to go because you're right, i deserve to be there.

shythom

hey val - no prob. we're obviously rooting for you. :)

i don't think you have to be, or are, 'that girl' either. especially if you can explain to him the reasons as to why you want to be there. that it's not with the intentions of making him uncomfortable. that you're trying to do it so that it's not about her but about you and him and especially you.

i'm sure he will understand that you want to also do this so you can seek closure to that part of the past - that it's just something you want to do.

it's about the intentions behind wanting to be there - so long as they are clear and they mean well, no one, at least no one that matters, will see you as 'that girl.'

as for losing your confidence by seeing her...

you are no longer a victim of hers. whatever you decide to do is up to you. there's no right or wrong here.

but i do really want and hope that you remember... because it's what's more important - to try and achieve that mindset... you are no longer a victim of hers.

*hugs*

Amy

ack! This happened to me when my Matt slept with the town bicycle two days after we broke up ( we were only broken up for a week).

I was banned from visiting him at work because she worked in the office across the hall. The first two times I saw her (we socialized with the same people, talk about shitting where you eat!) I nearly had a panic attack, had to have a friend take me outside and talk me down. It still gets my heart racing to think about that moment. But I got through it and it made the next time I saw her, (when I brought Matt dinner at work) just that much easier.

I totally agree with Hiatus and Shy, you should go to support your man, that's so important to your relationship to foster support and trust. And making her existence in his musical world an non-issue is the fast track to healing, for you. for him, and for your relationship.

take your gal pal, go to the show, and hang on to your cookies! I'm cheering for you too!

valerie

thanks amy - we talked about it saturday night and i think i got through to him. he came over on sunday to watch football with me and he kept looking at me and telling me he loved me in this sighing kind of way. i asked him why he keeps saying it like that and his eyes welled up and he said that he hates it when i'm upset and he's frustrated because he keeps upsetting me...i reminded him that it's literally like 1 thing, 2 things at most, that he does over and over again that makes me upset and he can't expect it to get better just by ignoring it. he needs to do something to change it. he avoids any sort of confrontation like the plague.

so i think i finally got it into his head that going to see his shows are more than just a territorial sort of thing. i didn't get into how i think that it could be that last thing that helps me get over everything, but i think i will eventually.

it's those times, when he looks at me with welled up brown puppy dog eyes that i'm certain he's not being like this just to be a jerk...that he truly just doesn't know what to do, or what to say or how to go about changing his behavior.

and don't worry, i will most definitely enlist girlfriends to come with when the time comes to go! if only you, hiatus and shy were close by! :)

Christinaheart.wordpress.com

I agree with the girls above... I hope you get to go to his shows again. I can understand why you're anxious about being in the same room as her, but she's going to continue to be there and music is a big part of his life.

So, yeah, you can't phase that part of his life out. And, hey, you're better than the homewrecker. Maybe with your loving-kindness practice, you'll be able to face the situation with a lot more confidence and get back to a more "normal" routine. (You might have to fake it 'til you make it, but that won't be for long.)

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