it's like spring cleaning...

a bizarre anniversary

today, exactly a year ago, matt and i broke up and he moved out. it's been a bizarre day...since the whole awful day is burned into my brain, i find that i've been replaying it in my head all day.

when i left for work, i thought about what he looked like when he left for work that day. when 10 o'clock rolled around and he called, i thought about how that phone call, almost exactly a year ago, was the phone call that ended our relationship. when i leave work today, i'm going to think about leaving work that day and heading home to see him and talk about this horrible thing he had done.

i told matt that i needed to see him today - so we're doing something tonight...either going out to eat, or going to see LCD Soundsystem play presumably their last show in milwaukee. his grandfather did actually end up passing away tuesday night, so he's not sure if he's going to feel like going to a dance party, so it'll probably just be dinner.

i don't really care what we do. i just need to see him. i've felt very disconnected from him all week. i haven't seen him since sunday. his work schedule was all crazy earlier in the week so we hardly talked on the phone, then his grandpa passed away and i kinda wished that he had needed me a little more after that happened. i expected him to ask to see me...at least just for a hug or something. i wanted him to need me. (don't i sound codependent?). i almost feel like he was more vulnerable and more needy when his car broke down on the freeway a few weeks ago.

i don't know. i think i'm just a little overly emotional today. i know that i'm not going to get a phone call from matt, telling me that he's eff'd everything up and that he's done the one thing that i've asked him not to do. i know that's not going to happen, but i just need some reassurance today. it's a bizarre anniversary and i'm feeling...i don't know what i'm feeling...sad about having all this stuff re-hashed today, but happy because we're together, but not entirely happy because everything's not as good as i would like it to be; sad because there are times when i'm not sure if he's actually the right person for me; happy because i know that he's the right person for me. 

i'm hoping that tonight will be really great, whatever we do - then we're going to chicago for the weekend for my cousin's wedding.

*

p.s. i finally put my proverbial foot down about a few things in regards to our relationship last weekend. one was that he needs to re-end his friendship with dixie, because it never should have started up again in the first place and i'm pissed that he was deceiving me - or purposely leaving out that bit of information, however you want to look at it. and if i hear about them socializing again from anyone else other than him, than i'm done with the relationship. the second thing was that moving forward, i'm allowed to go wherever i want, and that includes his shows. he agreed to both...but now i'm stuck with keeping my word, too.

loving-kindness

my new friend rachel practices buddhist meditation (one of the reasons why i think she's awesome and we get along so well). she, in conjunction with a book i just finished, have inspired me to work a little harder on my meditation and i think it's been more helpful than i realized.

there's this method of buddhist meditation called "loving-kindess" meditation. there's a saying that goes with it, "may you feel protected and safe. may you feel contented and pleased. may your body support you with strength. may your life unfold smoothly and with ease."

what you do is you first direct those words and feelings towards yourself. i generally repeat it in my head a few times...then you direct them at someone who is troubled, or in need. then you direct them to a neutral person, then to an enemy. i think directing them toward my enemy has helped a lot...those who know my blog, know my enemy (homewrecker).

i've started to direct those feelings towards her, and meanwhile, i've realized that she is suffering enough (in the yogic view) and that i'm only creating more suffering within myself by having these aggressive feelings toward her. [suffering in the yogic sense includes things like greed, aversion, having a distorted view of reality, etc.]

it's an interesting thought...

the goings on

i feel like it's been a while...

it was a pretty good week for the yoga studio - i had a new couple come monday and the lady was really nice. her husband/boyfriend didn't speak english, so every once and while when he wasn't getting it, she'd explain what we're doing in spanish to him. it was kind of amusing.

*

i feel like christmas will be here any minute and i'm totally unprepared...

*

tomorrow i'm having dinner with my (recently engaged) friend, liz. i'm happy for her, but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't jealous. they've been through a lot, and her fiance is a really nice guy, so i am genuinely happy for them. when i see her, i'm going to oogle and gush over her ring and wedding plans, as a good friend does, but inside i know that it's something that's so far off for me and it kinda bums me out. i have to remember that there's no need to rush. i'm not old or anything, and even if i was, who cares?

*

i've been hanging out with the girls from the meetup group (sans formal meetup event) about once or twice a week since we all went out for happy hour a few weeks back. rachel and i have the most in common and are probably the closest out of the group. a bunch of girls are heading out on friday night to a comedy club which should be fun...that one is actually a meetup event though.

i know that this is the path to making good girlfriends, but truthfully, it's like going on a number of bad dates. i posted a message on the meetup message board last week, asking anyone if they wanted to go out for drinks on saturday. and while you can't possibly decline a person when they respond to something like that, rachel came as well as another girl from that first group, which was cool, but then another girl responded who was just bizarre and she sort of made the evening awkward.

sometimes it's just exhausting and i don't want to do any more of these meetup things, but i know that i'll eventually be glad that i've found some good friends. rachel's cool. and i'd honestly have no social life if i didn't. i'm just waiting for the day that i no longer need meetup to schedule social activities for me.

damsel in distress, part 2

so not only did matt's car die this week, unfortunately, it looks like his grandfather isn't far behind (and i hate it that the first sentence ended up stringing together so well in that way. i don't mean to liken his grandfather to a car).

so yesterday i had a half day, went to the dentist to get a couple cavities drilled, then met matt at the hospital once my face came back to life because his grandfather (who's had cancer four times in the last 30 years) has recently stopped chemo and his kidney is failing (he had his other removed when he had cancer one of the three previous times). he had gotten an infection and he's having trouble breathing, etc.

so we walk in to the hospital room and are quickly told that we need gloves and one of those over-coat type gowns before we go in because they aren't quite sure what his infection is all about yet. matt's mom and step-dad are there and i felt a little awkward. i mean, i've known the man for four years, but i felt like i shouldn't be there...that i was a guest, an audience, and that it was really more of a family time...that i was just contributing to the circus and revolving door of nurses coming in and out, taking vitals and checking various other things that are stuck in and on him.

both my grandfathers died before i was born...one of my grandmothers spent a short time in a hospital like that, struggling with lung cancer, but i was having my own medical dramas at the time, so i never really saw her in that fragile state. and it was relatively quickly that she was diagnosed and passed on. to me, she's still a feisty german lady who smoked and drank too much. my other grandmother was living with my uncle, taking care of my cousin in a town about 3 hours away and she passed away very suddenly from who-knows-what. they said old age, but we're not convinced.

point being - i've never had to deal with death in such a slow progression but matt's dealt with this before so it's less weird for him...or weird in a different way since it's his family, not mine. matt's other grandmother was sick for a long time with cancer as well, and he spent every tuesday and thursday with her in the hospital until she passed. that was about 6 years ago or so.

it's just been a rough week for him. both times i've seen him this week, other than sunday, were either to rescue him from his broken down car, or go with him to see his declining grandpa. i know that all he requires of me in times like last night is to just be there, but i wish i had something to say that would make him feel better. tomorrow we're picking up some italian food from a nearby restaurant, getting in our jammies [pajamas...he and i say jammies] and curling up on the couch and watching bad dvr'd television. all he's been talking about is how bad he wants to cuddle. i think that's the best thing that i can do for him right now.

surprisingly inconsequential

i had sent out a little newsletter for my little yoga studio...just an update on the schedule of classes and a notice that we're doing a breast cancer fundraiser on sunday. the recipients were friends and family, some e-mail addresses of the massage clients at the day spa and people who had been on the previous e-mail list of the zumba studio i had taught yoga at a few months back.

i included the people i went to teacher training with because we were all really close and i thought they may like to know what one of their fellow classmates had been up to. i guess i don't know what i expected from these people - maybe some encouragement about my new little business venture. there were about 5 people out of the 8 in our training that i included because they were local, and i heard back from just 1. simply stating that it was great to hear what i had been up to. i was happy to hear from andy and thought that his e-mail was sweet, but was also a little disappointed because i thought that the rest of the group would've chimed in with some sort of, "hey, great to hear from you! here's what i've been up to..." or something...

we were all really close for the eight+ months we were together...i like to think we had taken a journey together. at the end of our training, i had actually thought that we were going to stay in touch forever because we had bonded over anatomy, yoga philosophy and the awkward first tries at directing a class...i even welled up (maybe even shed a single glistening tear) when we were all saying good bye for what we were all certain wasn't going to be the last time.

turns out that it may have just been the last time we saw eachother. i know i'm probably being a little over dramatic or overly sentimental, but i guess i just expected more of a reaction from those few people, but am also not entirely surprised that i didn't. 

damsel in distress

matt's car broke down on his way to work this morning, and guess who he calls? and while i'm probably the only person he knows with a AAA card, part of me thinks it's sorta sweet when he calls me from the side of the road, nearly in tears, asking for me to come help him. i left work, drove to where he was (which isn't close, by the way), called AAA, waited for the tow truck with him and drove him to work...then went back to work.

i know there's a part of him that doesn't always care for my organized, efficient nature, but there are times, like this one, where i can show him in the nicest way possible, how being on top of things is helpful and i don't nag for the sake of nagging...1. he was significantly over on his oil changes which could be part of his car problem. 2. he hadn't paid a ticket for a tail light that was out and a cop stopped to make sure everything was OK and ran his plates and found out that his license has been suspended and could've towed his car, luckily the cop was way too nice. 3. there is some clerical error with a police station a county or two over and still says that there's a warrant for his arrest which isn't accurate. it just takes some more digging on account of the police officer and he's usually half way to jail before they realize everything's fine, but he needs to make a phone call and get that taken care of too because he goes through this every time he gets in contact with a police officer. i'm hoping that maybe, (possibly?), he might be learning a lesson here...but i'm not getting my hopes up. he is a man :)

he called shortly after i made it back to work to thank me again and tell me how much he appreciated it. i do have to come in a half hour early 3 days this week to make up the time i was out (i miss salary), but i know that he appreciates it and sees that i'm there for him. i hope that it's these times that he realizes that he doesn't have to be afraid to move forward in life beside me, because i will always be there for him when he needs me.

preface: it's not as bad as it sounds...really.

i am not really "allowed" to go to matt's band's shows since we've been back together. homewrecker (dixie) is usually in attendance to see the other bands play and he'd prefer that we not be in the same room.

truthfully, i don't want to be in the same room with her either, but it makes it entirely difficult for me to be excited about anything that he's doing with the band because it's not like i'm ever going to see it. i get frustrated every time he talks about band stuff with me other than practice. they have an album coming out shortly and i brought up the cd release show. i tend to make snide comments about it and then it ruins my day.

here's how it played out just a few minutes ago:

he mentioned something about how he was listening to the near final mixes for most of last night. then i go and say something to the effect of, "that's nice. hopefully i'll get to see it at the cd release show, but probably not, right?" he gets frustrated too and then i'm agitated the rest of the day. his answer was that he doesn't know...that it will depend on the bands that book the show with them. i made it clear that i was upset. now i don't feel like talking to him anymore today.

(i know what you're thinking, dear readers)...while i agree that the whole thing is bullshit and that i should be able to go wherever the hell i want to, i also don't know what would happen if i actually was in the same room with her. i'm afraid that all the work i've done in re-building my self-confidence would come crashing down...that i'd end up in a corner crying in the fetal position...or i'd get in a fight with her, but that's less likely because i'm not that aggressive.

i just wish he'd stand up to her - say, "hey, val's going to be at this show tonight, i'd really prefer it if you didn't come." it's easier for him to tell me that i can't go then to tell her - and since i don't want him speaking to her at all, that would be a little hypocritical, i suppose. 

it doesn't bother me because: i don't want to see her either and i'm terrified i'll collapse

it bothers me because: i feel like i'm being punished for what happened between us and because she gets to see this part of him that i don't any more.

i think the reasons why it doesn't bother me outweigh the reasons why it does so that's why i'm not all bent out of shape about this whole thing even though it sounds terrible to say out loud...that my boyfriend is not "allowing" me to be somewhere. i am going to be thoroughly pissed off if i'm not allowed at his cd release. i missed last year's because we were broken up.

i don't know how to get over this. i don't know how to not let it bother me anymore. i don't know what would make it better because i don't actually want to be there with her. i want her to move away. i thought that maybe it would work out where he could call me if she wasn't at the show and then i could come, but that would also require him to call her to make sure she's not going to be there later and i don't want that either.

do i just have to remove myself from that entire part of his life and just not care? do i ask him not to tell me anything about what they're doing in the band to avoid getting hurt? music is such a huge part of his life...so basically i'd be cutting him out. do i accept that i am just no longer part of that area of his life and move on?